Article and Photos by Wynne Chase PZ ’26

On a road trip back to Pitzer College, seniors Anabel Cull, Rose Schupack-Dias, Jack Paradis, and Veronica Britton were searching high and low for conversation topics. Rose even dimmed the brightness on her phone and searched “top 10 best questions to get to know close-ish acquaintances.” With no other avenues to turn to, their last option was to talk about the most famous hypothetical: what would we do if we hosted an exclusive 12-hour party called the “Giant Funny Party” (henceforth referred to as the GFP) with two dozen of our closest friends? Luckily, each passenger in the car is brilliantly creative and possesses the ability to both imagine the hypothetical and make it reality.

In November of 2025, we set the date in stone: our 12 hour party would commence on February 21st. A 25-page document was created, consent forms were signed, and shirts were screen-printed.

Only the fourth and fifth of the twelve hours were open to people outside of the 24 invitees. Hour four was dedicated to Sam and Lindsay coming out as surprisingly straight to their greater community and tying the knot. Word had clearly spread about the open-invite wedding, and our group nearly tripled in size for this hour. All those outside of the GFPers were wedding guests. Before we began, we chose the best man and maid of honor at random from the non-GFPers present, and handed the two unsuspecting guests the speeches that they would give for their dearest friend within the next hour. Both accepted their public speaking fate with grace.

When the time for holy matrimony finally arrived (5 p.m.), we got into our wedding attire and assembled for the procession. First to lead the parade to the altar was the nondenominational minister, next the ring bearer and the flower girl, then the bridesmen and groomsmaids, penultimately the groom and his parents, and lastly the bride and her parents.

The minister led the ceremony with a jaw-dropping, eye-opening, heart-warming speech, of which I think The Outback guidelines may only accept an excerpt:

“People have said that attending Pitzer College makes you straighter, and I admit there’s no better way to finish out our four years here than by witnessing the union of these former queers. I can’t wait for you both to populate the world with little Sam and Lindsays like Cecil intended. […] May February 21st be from now on remembered as the day the rainbow flag lowered and the flag of GFP was hoisted in its place. In all seriousness, it’s been an absolute honor to be your friend for four years, and I can’t imagine a couple better suited to walk towards eternity hand and hand. I’ll now open the floor to the happy couple to exchange vows.”

And exchange vows they did! Lindsay and Sam delivered promises to each other that walked the line of comedy and genuine adoration which had guests crying from laughter and from love…

Blurbs from Lindsay’s vows:
“Iterative is a word that Sam didn’t know when he first arrived at Pitzer. This was unbeknownst to me for multiple years of our friendship, until my 21st birthday, when, at Anabel’s request, Sam recorded a heartfelt birthday message revealing that in one of our very first conversations in the first few weeks of college, when I had used the word iterative in conversation, Sam had no idea what it meant. He didn’t recall the word or care to look it up until that fateful day, July 2024, two years later, when finally he did. He learned that iterative meant repetitive, pointed to the camera, and said Lindsay, you are not iterative”.

“Today I’m here to iterate on Sam’s misguided notion of the word iterative. The word iterative does not mean repetitive, but involving iteration, meaning new versions or incarnates. Every time something iterates it presents itself as a new version, and Sam, on this day, on our wedding day, I want you to know that our relationship is most certainly iterative.”

“When we kiss, Sam, I see lavender. the azure sky turns lavender. The green house turns lavender. The blue of your eyes turns lavender. All I see, today and for our eternal future, is lavender. […] I love you, Sam”

Blurbs from Sam’s wedding vows:
“A lot of people doubted us. They said it could never be. They said “Huh?” They said “Sam? The gay one? And Lindsay? The also gay one?” They tried. To smear our names. But, fuck the haters. When a man and a woman love each other very much, nothing—nothing—can get in their way.”

“I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have a friend who I can always call, and who I can spend hours on the phone with, dying laughing about nothing in particular, to the point where we are unable to get a word out for minutes on end. Someone who believes in their friends so much to call them out in the most loving way, and yet to insistently check in on them and to fight so hard for your friendships, with me and so many people here today.”

“I always trust that I can count on you to be a fearless friend, silly about being serious, serious about being silly, dance party buddy, book rec goddess, and a completely and utterly non-iterative friend.”

The love that Sam and Lindsay share regardless of the fictitious nature of their wedding is very, very real and that fact was unignorable from their vows. Watching two people who clearly cherish one another tell each other just that is special, and the wedding guests experienced that sweet moment together.

When the minister asked the crowd for objections, world renowned actor Harold Fuson PZ ‘26 rose and professed his persisting love for sweet Sammy. His monologue—NOT borrowed from Louisa May Alcott’s Laurie—brought an emotional complexity to the situation; we had been rooting for recently-hetero Sam and Lindsay, but then Harold compelled us by revealing that he gave up billiards for Sam. The crowd collectively gasped. Luckily, Harold’s objection made room for one special bridesman, Jamie Miller PZ ‘26, to reveal his own previously clandestine feelings. Miller came forward with a counter-objection, citing the 5-feet of distance between his and Harold’s bed that has been there since freshman year, and his desire to finally close that gap. Jamie and Harold began the first chapter of their happily ever after with a passionate snog, which meant Sam was to be the unobjectionable husband to Lindsay.

After the drama, the ring bearer beared the rings and Sam dipped a giggling Lindsay and they totally kissed! In front of everybody!

Following the wedding PDA, Anabel Cull (GFP conceiver) passed out slices of her homemade lavender wedding cake as an amuse-bouche for the Malott reception dinner the guests were to indulge in for the fifth hour of the party…