By Carrie Backshots

Dear reader,

Welcome back to Sex and the Pity! This week will hopefully hit home for a lot of you… it almost felt too close; too revealing to write. However, I have found myself excelling at one subject at this school, though not getting great grades, admittedly: situationships.

I’d like to begin this week with a prelude… “He likes to be in a relationship and flirt with everyone else because he can’t handle being alone but also can’t handle not having gratification and external validation; you just love to indulge in all of your emotions and genuinely enjoy the act of falling in love over and over again, and then getting to talk about the consequences all the time.” That’s what my best friend said to me. 

In a time and place where the situationship is the norm, and our generation values it more than commitment (but also values knowing the sex will be good and reliable!), we would never call it “dating” or “seeing each other,” but isn’t that what we’re doing? We’re going on dates, or at the very least, seeing each other, sometimes even multiple times a week. So what’s wrong with the label? At what point do things cross the line from fun to responsibility? Even though there is an accountability we most definitely feel to each other in some capacity.

And once feelings get involved, who really is to blame? It is nearly impossible to spend time laying in someone’s arms and not build at least some semblance of attachment. Try it, I dare you. This is where my story begins.

My therapist says I am addicted to the game, but I prefer to believe love is my favorite drug. I found myself in three of these situationships in a mere matter of four months. How is that even possible? I think I enjoy being with people who care for me as long as it’s temporary; call it expiration dating. You can indulge without the big bad wolf, the what-ifs and long term commitments and dealing with the hard things.

One night, in one of these situationships, we had gone on the perfect date. Then, we hit the inevitable dilemma in a relationship — I wanted to go out, he wanted to go home. I cried in the bathroom (yes I’m dramatic), not because I yearned to dance so much (though I was devastated, I do love to dance), but rather because I reckoned with the fact that we’d crossed the line, an invisible, thin one — I now owed him compromise. 

In a situationship, you typically have shaky lines that you draw, even if you know that they may not be the same on either side. What happens in between these? 

You care about them, you like them enough to hang out with them as much as possible, but something is not fully there between you, not enough to throw it into the deep end of A Relationship (is it your mommy issues? Your mistrust in the institution of love? Or you just can’t stand to be alone?). You don’t want to surrender everything, but what do you owe them? When you pick up their calls, sleep in their bed, and hear of their days, are you just waiting around to get hurt?

The situationship is the illusory promise of the best of both worlds. In my opinion, while the game is fun (without commitment, you’re always flirting, earning your keep, and you never get that nice warm fuzzy security of a real relationship — it’s a damn game), what we really enjoy is the company without the work. The hard-to-get drives us crazy, though it’s addicting, but what we yearn for is to not spend our nights alone, though we may never factor this person into our lives in a way that requires some level of sacrifice. But then, if you’re avoiding the work, why do you spend double the amount of time stressing over each and every text, every comma, every intonation and every glance. Isn’t it way more effort in the end?

Between the stress of essays, Pomona’s surveillance state, and the crippling debt incurred by going to a liberal arts college, the situationship seems to be a fun way to distract yourself. The one-night-stand quickly turns into one night plus seeing them at brunch plus I’m bored and I know everyone too well so might as well add some thrill to my mundane! Sex and love-adjacent-practices are the kites we send off into the breeze, hoping they’ll catch, even when the shore is rocky and rough. But knowing you can let the kite go when the wind gets too strong creates the illusory idea of freedom and lack of responsibility, even though a kite being sent into the ocean is probably going to kill a dolphin or something. Is there ever a way to avoid consequences?

When in one of these, are you really single? How much care is expected? How much more work do you do when you put commitment off? The effort of learning a new person, pretending you’re so fine with the uncertainty, knowing you’re probably not on the same page, acting as though you have no expectations… is it a sweet spot between the effort of love and the coldness of lonely nights, or the constant rage of only getting half of the affection but in all likeliness dedicating just as much time to figuring it out?

I’ve come up with a pretty good timeline for those of us expecting to be taken care of but wanting to feel irresponsible. 

1. Excitement! Yay! You hit it off, enjoy!
2. The setup (optional). One or both or neither of you declare their “big reason” they cannot commit. This supposedly initiates the we know this is going to continue but also this is a situationship guidelines. It’s a safeguard, it sets a tone, and it supposedly protects both parties (even if they want to be proven wrong)
3. The routine — you are learning each other, navigating your lives intertwined. There’s routine, company, and “casual” fun. 
4. The way-too-comfortable. Uh oh. You blew it! You accidentally told this person something too personal about yourself, and now they know it. You revealed too much, they curled up and rolled away. What a dance! You’re freaking out, and you think they’re freaking out and they hate you and also chose this week to text you less. Is it just you? Is it them? They just found out they have in some way impacted you, and they didn’t sign up for this, right? You’re probably crazy.
5. The breaking point. There is only so much time you can spend without either getting attached or feeling unfulfilled. You are either reliant on them, or ultimately aware of the fact that there’s some “big reason” you aren’t madly in love by now. Let’s hope everyone’s on the same page here.
6. The Talk. Or, you can just start acting weird to each other.

It’s an uncertain time; unprecedented, as we like to say. For freak’s sake, Trump’s back. Who has time for an emotionally complicated, ambiguous dilemma? Well, maybe you do. I think we owe ourselves honesty from the start. If you can see yourself falling for this person, but accept conditions of noncommitment because it’s a way to keep them in your life, be honest with them about it. If you can help it, take yourself out of the game. Tell them you don’t have a 3-2 offensive strategy, and your defense can’t keep up with their consistent pick-and-roll. Maybe they’ll be happy to just be open and honest with you, or maybe that’ll be your sign to move on. Indulgence is a gift, but make sure you’re walking on this shaky ground together. And if you find yourself in the gray area alone, remind yourself you’re only human, and Carrie Backshots has been there, too. You will find someone who will want you for your entirety, or can set clear rules. Whether you’re having fun or feeling worn down, remember to first have that Big Talk with your most reliable, consistent relationship; yourself.

Until next time, darlings, 

Carrie Backshots