Dear Clementine… 

I recently got involved in a steamy situationship with a mutual friend and am unsure what to do now that our passion has subsided. This was an experience of first-semester passion, and the two of us want to focus on our studies during the spring semester. The problem is, our situation may have gotten out to a couple of people in our friend group. I am worried that the events of last season will spread to everyone, which would definitely make group dynamics very awkward. Should I talk to my friends for damage control? The friend I was involved with is choosing to remain quiet and thinks it’s best to pretend like nothing happened when with the rest of the group. Some of our friends definitely live for the drama though…

Sincerely,

Can I Fix This?

Hey Can I Fix This,

I have good news for you… I think you can find a solution to this predicament you’ve found yourself in! While the complicated implications of your situationship might seem to be a threat to the peace of your friend group, this might not actually be the reality. It sounds like you’re perhaps feeling like you need to secure your friends’ good graces. Friendship is stressful at a school of this size and at an institution with such an affinity for clique culture. In this context, the yearning for damage control is as natural as the sun in SoCal! If your friends “live for the drama”, rehashing old gossip involving you and a mutual friend could maybe start some shit that doesn’t need to be started. I think the best way to combat drama, but also feel like you’re doing something to aid and remedy the situation is to have a conversation with the root of it all; your last semester’s steamy situationship. You and the ex-bae don’t have to be besties by any means, but an amicable relationship never hurt anyone on a campus that seems to be shrinking by the day. Definitely pull them for a chat and voice your worries… or at the very least your yearning for courtesy, and dare I say even friendship?

If you do end up talking to your friends, it is crucial to remember that this is not a social war of words where you need to be on the defensive about previous fornication with your ex-sitch. It is likely your friends will be appreciative to hear about your various sex-capades. If you’ve established civility and a mutual respect for your various friendships and your ex-situationship, it is plausible your friends will follow suit. 

However and with whomever you choose to recount your past fling to, it shouldn’t be in the spirit of social leverage, but more so out of pure trust and emotional connection. If you don’t feel like you can talk about intimate parts of your life with certain friends without them taking it to the extremes, it might be useful to interrogate why you feel compelled to rope them in. Are you wanting to tell them because you feel insecure in your friendships? Do you hold resentment towards your ex-sitch for wanting to keep things quiet, even though it feels like a meaningful part of your first semester? Or perhaps you actually do want to stir things up in your romantic and platonic world? Whatever the reason, be intentional with how you approach discussing your past steamy seshes. You also do share friends in common with your ex-situationship, so I’d advise keeping them in mind when recounting silly anecdotes or hot moments. How will this affect how your collective friends interact with them? With the two of you together? How you engage in these conversations will in turn dictate the ways in which you respect your past fling and continue to honor them as a friend this semester.  

I have faith that this could be a great moment to address underlying issues surrounding gossip with your friends. Communication is your best tool! Use it wisely and honor your heart. 

Xoxo, 

Clementine

Dear Clementine, 

I have been wanting to explore my sexuality my whole life, but at Pitzer it feels really pressing to define my sexuality. I’m nervous that if I claim to be one thing, or hook up with anyone, I will suffer from imposter syndrome. Worse, what if I am just an imposter feeling social pressure?

Sincerely,

Nervous Nelly

Hey Nervous Nelly,

This is a very exciting message to receive seeing as we at the Outback LOVE the queers! [Please see our QTs spread #overzealousally.] The emergence of micro-labels for every facet of one’s identity during the internet age is beneficial for some, but nail-biting for many. IT’S OKAY TO BE THE ONE NIBBLIN YOUR NAILS ABOUT IT! On the one hand, the idea of having a perfect box in which you magically fit is appealing beyond belief, but on the other hand, that box can close right up and trap you. At a school that seems so sexually liberated and uninhibited, there is also the assumed possibility of embarrassment if you yourself are still figuring things out. Sex is luckily not a performance, but an activity that delves into intimacy, passion, and connection. It is okay to not know all the bells and whistles… Or even if you like others touching your own! The great opportunity that college, and truly your whole life, gifts you is that of exploration and experimentation. Whether you are in a heterosexual or queer relationship, freeing yourself from the confines of sex as “one thing” or “penetrative” or even “top” and “bottom” opens up a realm of sexual possibilities that can occur with any type of partner. Sex is dynamic, just like yourself. 

Sure, porn and media feed us a template for how to conduct ourselves sexually depending on who we are with, but in practice that is up for you and your fling to decide and communicate together. Tune into the other person’s body (and words!) and let the butterflies down *there* lead you through the experience. 

Remember: sexual identity is personal, and can be as private as you want. You are not powerless to the perception of others, and can choose the ways in which you disseminate your sexual experiences and identity. Perhaps a few experiences will help you understand this aspect of yourself more deeply. As long as you’re respecting the people that you hook up with and not using the queer community to experiment without empathy despite a lack of attraction, let your sexual curiosity lead you to numerous new experiences! Sex can be deeply emotional, and you might not even be able to anticipate how aroused you will feel until it is already happening, but keep in mind that sex is not just a guessing game. You can tell your partner about your nerves, how you like to be turned on, what is working and what isn’t, and most importantly what you want out of the experience. It is not shameful or rude to be uncertain, as long as your partner understands where you are at. Certainly do not use or disrespect your peers, but it is also completely alright to not love a dance-floor-make-out or realize you don’t want to have sex with someone again. As long as you are conducting yourself safely, and honoring the other person’s body both physically and emotionally, let the fun begin!

Another thing that’s awesome about sexuality is that it is on your own terms in a way that most other parts of you are not, and therefore is undefinable for anyone but yourself. Perhaps this sounds blindingly obvious, but you don’t owe anyone anything in terms of a label. If YOU are wanting a label, label it baby! If you’re wanting to change that label when a change feels right, change all you want! Sex is fun! Exploration is fun! Surrender to attraction and see where it takes you before you start to limit yourself! Or better yet, don’t limit yourself or your love at all! 

Xoxo 

Clementine