Pitz and Giggles: An Advice Column

  1. How can I summon Pomona squirrels to my dorm?

Upon observing the Pomona squirrels, we found that they have an expansive diet which ranges from local Claremont nuts to Frary muffins. Thus, any small snack or little treat that you put outside your door or window is likely to catch their attention. Squirrels love stealing from each other, so if you summon one, more will follow. Be careful though; upon trying this I know that once you win them over they all start to compete for your attention. It’s a tough gig. Although squirrels are food-oriented, they are also lazy and might not want your stupid snack if there are accessible nuts near them. If you really want them to come, you must also play melodic tunes. Meditation music with a backtrack of someone crunching chips is highly recommended. Good luck with your glorified rodents.

© Mary McGowan/The Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards 2018
  1. my girlfriend has really uncomfortable pillows. i legitimately feel like i’m getting a concussion every time i put my head down. what do i do? is this the end?

First of all, we are sorry to hear you are experiencing this crisis in your relationship. Pillow comfort levels are actually a common cause of young heartbreak, failed marriage, and infertility. To mitigate this problem we suggest bringing your own pillow, and maybe a new one for your girlfriend too. It’s not her fault she has bad taste and clearly needs an intervention. Maybe she’d be more approachable if you made sure she got a good night sleep on a brand new pillow before bringing this up.

  1. i see SO MANY hot babes walking around campus or at parties, but i have no idea how to start conversation with them. how to let a femme know you’re into her without being an awkward / creepy girl?

Try sending a note by carrier pigeon that says “you’re cute.” If she thinks this is weird it’s probably either because she doesn’t like pigeons or doesn’t like you. Either way, you’ll stand out. 

  1. Hey Outback! How do I avoid my ex around campus?

This is a tough one, since on a given day at McConnell you will see your entire suite, random hookup from last Friday, the professor you just had class with, and all of your friends’ exes, just in the pasta line. You’re not alone – many have wished for a radar device that beeps whenever their unwanted jump scare rounds the corner so that they can rapidly scooter in the opposite direction. Unfortunately, this technology isn’t yet available. We recommend using Pitzer’s vegetation, such as a cactus, or creepy freshmen men standing outside dorms, or the sapphic freshman couple always posted up on the mounds to hide them from your field of vision. You can also try wearing thick sunglasses to dull their presence. 

But seriously…if you are feeling unsafe on campus, we suggest reaching out to PZ Advocates and/or the Title IX office for resources. 

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