Claremont Cuties Crushed by Cupid Curse

Satire by Jack Friedman, Pitzer ‘23

Image from

The White House has officially confirmed that one of the unidentified balloons shot down over the Atlantic Ocean this week was not a Chinese spy balloon and in fact was just an advanced piece of technology used by the company Datamatch. 

In an official tweet President Biden said, “I know you’re waiting extra long for your matches this Valentine’s Day, oopsie. At least you don’t have to wait as long as Jill.” 

After one Chinese spy balloon gathered nationwide attention, including some Americans choosing to fire their own guns at it, high tension at the Pentagon resulted in this tragic accident causing buffering for matches across the country. 

Biden reportedly was only told after the heart-shaped red balloon had been recovered by the U.S. Navy off the coast of New Jersey that it was in fact not carrying U.S. military secrets back to a foreign government and was instead a new high-tech update to Datamatch helping horny students get even more accurate pairings this year. 

Datamatch reportedly wanted to up their game in a post-pandemic college world, introducing both the ability to ship a couple via inputting their emails and also balloon espionage for targeted results. They denied to comment whether following minors 24/7 via satellite violates their privacy policy.

Instead, 5C students found themselves waiting extra long on the morning of February 14th hoping for an algorithm that listed their red flags but in a silly not too mean way to also find them the love of their life. In Claremont. 

“I’m devastated,” said a student whose Rice Purity Score was listed as 2, and for obvious reasons asked to remain anonymous. 

“I’m just sitting here waiting and I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to get these matches,” said a Scripps first-year student who really really hopes her matches aren’t all Pitzer seniors on the P-P Men’s Football Team. 

Other students reported similar nerves about the government’s interference in a time-honored Valentine’s tradition started by our superior counterparts at Ivy League colleges. 

“I just don’t get it, I don’t understand how Biden and the government could make a mistake this bad,” said a Harvey Mudd welding major. “Honestly [Biden] is lucky that he’s so hot, otherwise he wouldn’t keep getting away with these devastating mistakes.” 

Datamatch has assured students that matches will come, they just may take longer this year and may not be as painfully accurate as they had once hoped. 

A spokesperson for the matching company said in a statement acquired by The Outback News: 

“We at Datamatch are devastated by the President’s rash and violent actions. We understand the tension created by current events and part of our goal here at Datamatch is to help young people fuck each other before the world ends. The fact that the President would carelessly shoot down our balloon speaks to failures as a leader and as a man disconnected from the youth.” 

When pressed for further comment the spokesperson said, “we’ll forgive him, for being so hot.” 

The shot down balloon, which landed on a couple of endangered sea turtles, tragically suffocating them in a Notebook style ending, was reportedly taken back to a secret US naval base to be investigated. Pitzer students protested, stating “you’re killing our sex lives and our planet.” 

A conflicting report however says the balloon was found in a dumpster outside of Atlantic City, New Jersey. 

Datamatch has said that while wait times for matches are a little longer this year, the original system is still successfully in place and well-suited to find 5C loves. 

“If your matches suck this year, it wasn’t the balloon,” said the same spokesperson, “maybe you’re just not as interesting as you think you are.” 

“Oh and Happy Valentine’s Day from me and Barack” said a follow-up, now deleted, tweet from the White House, showing the former and current president in a loving and tender embrace. Jill Biden denied our request to comment.

Photo from

Leave a Reply